He was drunk the first time we met. We were supposed to have a date but he had gone out for his mom’s birthday and accidentally had too much to drink. He was going to cancel but I told him I’d pick him up anyway. This was too good of a story to pass up.
I wait for a few minutes outside the restaurant. He’s being slow so I text him and tell him I’m leaving. Literally as soon as I turn the corner, he tells me he’s outside and to come back. I do. I fix my hair and he gets in the car.
I’m happy it’s dark because it’s harder to see that I am blushing. We talk during the car ride, and I feel instantly at ease with him. There’s an invisible pull towards him, one I can’t explain, but I can feel deep in my bones. I always talk about a feeling. That’s how I know someone is special. And I felt that feeling right away with Cameron.
We go to cookout and order milkshakes then go back to his apartment. We sit on the couch, not touching, and talk for hours. We talk about everything and I’m so honest, so so honest, I almost can’t believe how much I’m saying. The only negative to him was that he was liberal, and physically he wasn’t what I was normally attracted to. But I didn’t care what he looked like, his personality, his intelligence, was exactly what I needed. The love of music even amplified everything. This was someone I could see a future with.
I could have slept with him. I’d done this with so many guys. I’d sleep with them way too soon. But I didn’t want to ruin the feeling I had with Cameron. I wanted more. I knew this just after the first time I met him.
We hung out a few more times, always at his apartment, just talking (and kissing) but never sleeping with him. One night, we got really, really close. But I hesitated. We had been talking about how we felt about each other. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted. As soon as he said the words, I felt that twinge in the bottom of my stomach making me sick.
He’s not ready. He doesn’t want you. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning.
I start to get up to leave, grabbing my stuff. He grabs my arm and pulls me back into the bed.
“I don’t know what I want. But I think it might be you,” he says.
I relax. But the “think” and “might” are still there. I don’t know how long it will be before he lets go of them. What if he never does?
But the masochist in me can’t help but keep going, hoping he will see how good we are together. I know this is going to hurt. I can feel it deep in my bones. But I believe he may be worth it.
But I am Katie, and I always have the flight risk mentality. Just like T.Swizzle says “I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling, wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts,” I have these words ingrained in my mind. I am terrified. Terrified.
So when we go to breakfast and he asks me if I slept with anyone the night before… I lie.
Why do I lie? Why couldn’t I have just said no? Is it because I want to see if he will care? Or is it subconsciously me trying to protect myself, knowing this may turn him away? Am I trying to ruin a good thing because I don’t deserve a guy like him? Is this the most scary thing that can possibly happen and I’m ruining it because I know he’s not sure and I want him to be sure so badly?
I don’t know if I can really answer that question. I just know that I tell him yes, even when the answer is no. I want him so badly that I freak out. I slam the brakes. I feel sick to my stomach.
And there shouldn’t have been any surprise at all when the next day he drops me, telling me he’s not interested anymore, that his gut is telling him no.
And now there is radio silence. Now, I ruined something that could’ve been magic because I was scared of getting hurt. But I hurt myself anyway.
I tried calling and texting. I tried. But he probably now thinks I’m crazy and my best friend lectured me about it but I couldn’t help it. I just needed him to know. I wanted him to realize that I was worth it.
I shouldn’t have to prove my worth though. He should have known. He should have realized that I am strong, and smart, and beautiful. He should have known that I am fiercely protective of those I love. He should have known that I am devoted and kind to my lovers, that I want to please them and show them how much I care about them. He should have known that I would have done so much to make things work, that I am a wonderful mom and know how to be a good wife someday. He should have known that I have gone through hell and back and I am still here, still trying to find love. He should have known that we could have had magic together. We could have had road trips, adventures, nights looking at the stars. We could have had breakfast dates, shooting dates, Walking Dead & milkshake dates.
He should have known all the wonderful things about me. He should have wanted to learn every crevice, every last piece of me.
But he doesn’t. And I have to be okay with that.
I will be. I am thankful I did not sleep with him or this would be even worse… But for now, it will burn. My eyes will threaten tears and reminders of something my father never said but showed all my life: You are not good enough.
Someday, I will be. I hope I already am.