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Category: Dealing with Loss

The Impact Grief Has on You When You Find Out You’re Pregnant

A week after I found out I was pregnant, I wrote this about my grief during pregnancy. I still have some of these same fears, but I feel less terrified now that I know she’s a girl. It feels like my mom gave me this gift from the beyond. <3 —– They don’t tell you how you’ll feel when life begins again. Grief had taught me many things over the last seven months, but it didn’t teach me how to feel about new life. It didn’t tell me how terrified I’d…

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How Much Would Have Changed?

Often since my mom passed away, I think of the turns in life that didn’t happen the way we expected and I wonder if things would have turned out differently. When we lived in Germany and were getting ready to come back to the States, we were originally headed to California for our next base assignment. My mom sold every piece of winter clothing we had. At the last minute, things changed. We ended up getting stationed at Fort Drum, NY. Obviously, my mom wasn’t thrilled she’d let all our snow suits go. And…

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Those Damn Cookie Cutters: What Cookie Cutters Taught Me About Grief

*Please note this post may contain affiliate links from which I make a small compensation. If you purchase anything from these links, I truly appreciate you supporting this blog! Things do get easier. At least, I tell myself this constantly. Today. Today is EASIER! I shout at myself. Sometimes it sticks. Other times, I squish my eyes close and try to disappear. I have more happy days than sad days now. I really do. But the sad days are heavy. The moments are bold. They outlast my memory of the good sometimes. I can’t help it. I can…

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The Other Side

  “Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Things tend to fall apart for me when the weather starts to get cooler, in the end of October, beginning to mid-November. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact that JJ and Wayne died at the beginning of November. Maybe it’s the Amena got murdered then. Maybe these events set me up for a perpetual cycle of sadness. And after that, it was me breaking up with…

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Of All the Ones I Have Loved, I Loved You First

I sit down on the chair at the island, dropping my backpack to the floor beside me. My mom has a newspaper in her hand and we chat about how my day was. She looks down at the paper and then back up at me, her bangs falling into her eyes. “Do you remember JJ?” she asks me. “Of course I do,” I tell her, wondering why she’d ask me a question like that. He was my first real love. He was the first boy I ever said those terrifying words to. I love you. She slides the newspaper…

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