Sometimes I think I’m going downhill, over the other side. The mountain I’d been trying to climb, I think that I’ve successfully climbed it. I’m finally in the clear. It’s time to move to smaller hills. But then there’s a day where the most I can do is be there, or sleep. I can’t participate. I can’t give emotions I wish I could give.
The medication worked well at first. And then, it only worked some of the time. I go back in February to see my doctor and I’m going to ask for an increase in dosage. But until then, I have to force myself to participate. There’s a guy who cares for me so much and I want to be able to show him and tell him all these things back but sometimes it is just too much. Sometimes I think it’d be easier to be alone, to stay at the bottom of the well, to stay closed off to others. I wonder if I made a mistake, if I can’t be the person I want to be for him. I wonder if he will see through me, see how high my walls are, and realize I’m a fraud, that I’m not worth loving.
I don’t know how to get out of these holes. I hope the longer I’m with him, the more I fall for him, that I won’t feel the holes anymore. I hope that I can overcome this. I hope that he will understand that it’s not him, it’s me. I’m broken. But I’m trying. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to climb the mountains, to get out of the wells. I’m trying to feel. But it may take me a little longer. He is everything he should be. I hope that he knows that. I hope he knows how much I care for him, even when it’s hard for me to show or say it.
He has no idea how much I want this.