I’m cursed with the ability to see more in people than what they see in themselves. In life, I’ve been a victim of my own naivete in this way. I see your beautiful heart, even the jagged, broken pieces of it, and I think I know it’s all good in there. But people don’t always live up to the image in your mind.
I try very hard to not play with people’s emotions. If I like you, I’ll say it. If you’re using me or stringing me along, I’ll say it. But damn, does it hurt just the same when you’re the one breaking your own heart.
He could have spoken up at any time. He could have said, “I don’t know what I want right now, but I do know I want to keep seeing you.” He could have said, “I’ve really had fun with you and I’m not looking for someone better, I’m just scared of getting hurt.”
Instead, nothing. Not even an explanation as to why I wasn’t it for him.
But I’ve been down this road before. I’ve thought higher of people than I should. It’s why I’m constantly being let down.
I think we could have been great. I think once we got over the initial fears and all the shit, we could have worked well. We were opposites in a lot of ways and I think we’d blend and even each other out.
But now I’ll never know.
I’ve downloaded all the dating apps again. I’m not sure if I feel better because of the attention or even more discouraged. Part of me just wants to curl up into a ball and never speak to another guy again. Because really… what’s to stop them from wasting a month of my life while I’m hoping for a better outcome, again?
I want to be with someone who supports me emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. I want someone who wants a family and to build a life. I don’t want the bullshit games people play. I want the real deal.
Why is it so hard to choose to stay? I guess I’ll never know.
Remind me to throw out all the whiskey in my freezer I bought just for him.