Is this why I came home? Is my mom being sick the reason I couldn’t stay in Vienna?

My mind never stops. I can’t shake the German from my mind as much as I can’t shake my mom. These two people have impacted my life more than anyone. How is it possible that I can’t have love and I can’t have happiness?

I can’t lose my mom. I just can’t.

I think back to Vienna all the time. Why did it move me so much? Why did it feel like home? Why couldn’t I stay?

The German was just a boy who came at the right time. He terrified me. He punch me in the gut and woke me up. He put the pep back into my step. He burned my flesh every time he kissed me.

Jamie texted me the other day emphasizing that we needed to wait for magic. Was his magic too much for me? Is that why it had to end so suddenly? Would I have burst into flames if his mouth touched mine one more time?

Is this my punishment for trying so hard to be happy? Everything slowly collapsing around me?

My mom has to get better.

I have to go back to Vienna.

I don’t know how I’ll make either thing happen. But they need to happen. They have to. There’s no other way.