How Much Would Have Changed?

Often since my mom passed away, I think of the turns in life that didn’t happen the way we expected and I wonder if things would have turned out differently. When we lived in Germany and were getting ready to come back to the States, we were originally headed to California for our next base assignment. My mom sold every piece of winter clothing we had. At the last minute, things changed. We ended up getting stationed at Fort Drum, NY. Obviously, my mom wasn’t thrilled she’d let all our snow suits go.

And again, something similar happened when my dad was working in Michigan. His company was sending him to Tennessee and my parents started looking at houses. The price for houses and land back then in TN was so good that I may have even gotten a horse. But alas, plans change and we were sent to live outside of Raleigh instead. My dream of horse ownership gone.

Life is 90% beyond our control. I’ve learned that this past year more than ever. My mom wasn’t supposed to die at 57. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant before Jordan and I got a chance to walk down the aisle. I should have published my first novel by now. The list goes on and on.

But when all is said and done, you can’t help but think that if one little decision had turned out differently, would we still have all arrived at this same destination? Was it just a matter of us, and not our surroundings?  Would we still be the same people? Or would we be healthier, happier, and more in tune with each other?

I don’t know the answer, and wondering certainly can drive a person mad. Maybe that’s why I’m a writer – I need to know the what ifs. I have to write about them. I have to see them through. That’s my job, right? To take a situation and turn it on its head?

Maybe once I write out every alternate possibility, I’ll feel better.

Or maybe I’ll go bonkers.

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