I’ve been in a mood, a funk. I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t even know how it started.

You see, I’m the kind of person who, when something is really bothering me, I tend to make other things a big deal so people focus on what I want them to, not what is actually bothering me. It’s really easy to do, and for the most part it works. But I’m just feeling kind of down, and I need to write. So here I am.

I’m having a procedure done on Wednesday to remove precancerous cells from my cervix. It’s been bothering me since I scheduled the appoint a couple of weeks ago. When I had the biopsy, he didn’t expect anything, but they came back moderate, so I have to have the cells removed. It’s the second of three tiers of precancerous cells, and it surprised by OBGYN and myself. Sure, it’s not cancer, but it’s not nothing either. It’s been eating away at me. Plus, I’ve been feeling weird since the biopsy and spotting a lot (TMI, I know) and it just doesn’t feel right. I’m worried something else may be wrong. I’m also a hypochondriac so I’m probably perfectly fine. Ha.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that my best guy friends is starting to date one of my friends and everyone won’t leave me alone about it. I encouraged it. I pep talked. I did all the things a best friend is supposed to do. So why is everyone coming at me like I’m pissed? It’s just exhausting and I don’t have the time or the capacity for space in my brain. If someone is intimidated by our relationship, I can’t do anything about that. If people read into our relationship and make it into something romantic when it’s not, there’s not much I can do about that either. We’ve been friends for years. He’s my back up, you know- the guy you marry if you’re both single at 40. He’s my friend, my confidant, my rock. When my ex did those terrible things, he was there. He tells me I downplay that. He tells me if I’m being too this or too that. He can be honest with me, and I with him. It’s hard to find a platonic relationship like that. When he betrayed my trust a little while ago, I was so hurt. I didn’t talk to him for like a month. It hurt so much because I love him. But not romantically. I wish people would stop confusing the two.

The third reason I’m a little bitter is that I keep seeing all my travel friends going to all these places without me. I’m jealous. I can’t afford to travel as much as I’d like. I’ve got Jude, and work. I get a lot of days off at my job, but I use over 2 weeks of it for my residency. At least my residency involves traveling. And honestly, with all this stupid, girl shit bothering me, it will be nice to hop on a plane to Europe next week. It literally couldn’t come at a better time.

The final thing, the stupidest of all, is that the guy I’ve been seeing… well, I’m not sure if we have a lot in common. Maybe it’s this weird funk that is making me overthink things, but I’m worried I just like him for convenience. I feel like this all the time with guys. Part of me just freaks out anytime things start to get mildly committed and I run for the door. I love my freedom, so I can’t sacrifice it unless I absolutely want to. And how the hell will I know when that is?

When did I become such a girl? Seriously though. I’m supposed to be the dude. I normally am. They really must have fucked with my hormones at that OB appointment.

Hopefully next time I update I’ll be a little less crazy.

<3