I haven’t been honest with people. I’ve put on the brave face and I’ve told everyone I’m fine. I’ve said those words so many times that sometimes I believe them. But the truth is, I’m not fine. None of this is fine. It’s not fine that my mom got MS. It’s not fine that my mom got cancer the first time. It’s not fine that it’s come back. It’s not fine that there’s a really high chance I could lose my mom before I’m thirty, even sooner. It’s not fine that some of my very best friends, or at least the ones I considered, have not even so much as texted me to see how I’m doing… some of which knew my mom. It’s not fine that I’m a single parent dealing with how this affects my child, all alone. It’s not fine that I’m trying to date, but I feel like I’m bringing a guy into a really fucked up situation. How is it fine that I have to explain my mood swings… explain my sadness… try and make them understand that normally, I’m not like this. Normally, I’m the girl with a smile spread ear to ear. Normally I’m the girl who everyone wants to go out with on a Saturday night. But now I’m the girl who’s mom is dying. Now I’m the girl who feels broken. Now I’m the girl who is reliving the pain of losing someone she loves, again, before it even happens. Because you can’t help but start to grieve. And although she’s seeking other therapies, although I have the highest hopes, nothing is certain and they won’t cure, but hopefully delay, the cancer’s course.
How is any of this supposed to make me feel fine?
It isn’t. It just isn’t.