“You’re just another 2 am,” I tell him, wondering how many times I’ve utter, or at least thought, these words over the past year. It’s a tiring concept, finding a 2 am, keeping a 2 am, not falling for a 2 am. But I’ve mastered it enough to have a couple on rotation.
2 am is the person you call when you’re drunk and lonely. 2 am is the person who gets the naked you, not the naked soul. 2 am knows barely anything about you, other than how to make you so tired you sleep past your normal waking time the next day.
2 am means absolutely nothing to you.
I wanted Cameron to be more than a 2 am so I didn’t give him that part of me. I thought that this would avoid any of the hurt or confusion that comes with sleeping with someone too soon. But it didn’t quite work out that way.
We went to coffee Saturday and he told me the reasons that he didn’t see a future with me. I sat there, having a hard time looking him in the eye, my mouth in a hard line, held tight with anger. How do you convince someone that the things they think about you aren’t even close to being true? Because the reasons he gave, telling me he didn’t think I had my shit together, that he was worried what I’d become when my mom finally died, were bullshit reasons, things that weren’t true or things that had no merit on a future relationship.
But it’s like the saying goes, You don’t get to decide whether or not you hurt someone. You can’t decide how someone thinks of you once they make up their mind either. You can try your best to prove them wrong, but at the same time, you shouldn’t have to.
He wanted a clean slate, to be friends. I felt the wall come up. Do I let him stay in my life? Is that a wise decision? Would I be able to handle watching him date other people? I wasn’t sure.
But I said yes. Yes to friends. Because everyone could use more friends, especially those that you connect with so well. My head was screaming for me to say no, that I would just get hurt, but part of me wanted him to see what he was missing out on, and the only way to do that is to stay in his life.
And there was another reason I said yes.
In a post back in August, I talked about Lance, Jordan’s best friend. Well, that day I had actually wanted to talk to Jordan but he was seeing Tracy at the time so I didn’t pursue it. Jordan and I knew each other way back when. He was good friends with my brother growing up, even going on vacation with my family before. He was a school girl crush, of course, because he was hot and older. You know how that goes. Never in a million years did I ever think anything would come of that.
But last week we went for a drink and talked about our Europe adventures, and everything felt so natural, and when we kissed, there was definite chemistry. And then we went to see Sisters on Friday night. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was a date at first. Because, how could the guy I was crushing on when I was like ten, ever actually be interested in me? But then he paid for the movie and kissed me at the end and I was sure it was.
This one is complicated, though. I mean, I had a fling with his best friend. And I love Tracy. I think she is beautiful, and funny, and such a sweetheart. I don’t want to be the girl who goes after someone’s ex, especially since they didn’t end on a good note. That is another thing, too. The way things ended doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve been that girl a million times and I don’t want to be again.
But I will see how things go. I’m seeing him tonight. He showed up to my pub crawl Saturday and we hung out and danced at Alchemy and it was really nice. He’s so dang tall too. Like, I need to learn how to not want to cry when I wear heels so I can be on a level playing field. ha.
There are always reservations. Always. I’m quick to think of all the negatives. But I’m also really ready to start something new with someone. I’m ready to get rid of my 2 ams. I’m ready to have someone to count on for all the time, not just when I’m drunk and lonely at the end of a night.
I’m ready for someone who isn’t just another 2 am.