My search for a full, happy life is sometimes misleading. Our life will never be full, never be completely happy. For fullness is something that isn’t tangible. We will always want more. We will always search for more in the deepest, darkest, secret places in our hearts. We will always wonder. We will always wander. But there are moments. Oh, there are moments. Moments when the world gets quiet. Moments when the hum of the air conditioning, the birds chirping in the distance, the drip, drip, drip of the snow melting are the only thing that let us stay in this world because instead we are swept up into our own head, our own silliness, our own happiness. There’s a place, you know, where dreams do come true. There’s a place where wishes are granted. There’s a mindset I’d call happiness but I’m not even sure it’s that. It’s where you see this beautiful story, this tale of epicness starting. It’s a new beginning. It’s the fluttering of your heart that was stuck in this empty, sick, abandoned cage for months and months after disappointments and hurt. Beginnings are a wonderful, beautiful thing. There’s no hurt there. There’s no one to disappointing you because it’s new, fresh, wonderful: Happy.
So I will bask in the delight of not feeling so empty. I will fill myself with the feeling of joy and of discovering everything there is to discover in this new adventure. Because what is life, if it is not an adventure?
I have no expectations and see no down falls. I will go in with my head up. I will not let time and distance ruin this. I will not let the world keep me cold and lonely forever. If I have to stay in this place for a while above the world, above the past, then I will. I will stay here because here is beautiful. Here is with him. Here is where I choose to be. And choice, world, is a beautiful, lovely, magnificent thing. Choosing to stay, choosing to go. It doesn’t matter. Choice is something I gave up for a while. I’m not one to be kept in a cage forever. I’m not one to be crushed by another over and over and not call it naive, stupid, my own damn fault. Because it was. But I’m free. I’m choosing to be here. I’m choosing this road. I’m choosing now.
The past will not anchor me. The past will not take this happy place from me. Letting go happened a long time ago. I’m so ready for this new journey. I’m so ready to see beautiful places, meet genuine people, and feel lovely things.
I’m ready to feel again.