Laughter

I was wrong about Matt. Just like I was wrong about Ryan. Just like I’ve been wrong about every guy since Jason and I called it quits.

I have this idea in my head that things will suddenly just fall into place. But life has not been that kind to me. My life hardly makes sense to myself anymore.

I want to believe that there are guys out there who are legitimately nice guys. I really do. But I feel like all I do is get led on. All I do is hear false promises. When will it end?

It is like a dagger in my gut reading Ryan’s posts about the new girl. So much so that I finally had to unfollow his blog and instagram. I’m not ready to hear about how in love he is. I’m not ready to know that what we had didn’t mean anything to him, that I was just a placeholder until something better came along.

And Matt… what do I even say? He disappeared just like I thought he would. Everything was lies. Guess you really can’t trust guys in the military.

I’m not really bitter about any of this, just disappointed in myself. I continue to let my guard down for the wrong people.

I’ve been thinking about when Big is talking to Carrie in Sex and the City… and how superficial I’ve been about dating, and how I only want to date someone who is good-looking or better looking than my ex… and then this scene played in my head and it was like a lightbulb. My, how stupid I’ve been…

Mr. Big: Although there are so many goddamn gorgeous women out there in this city.
Carrie: What an amazing observation.
Mr. Big: But the thing is this — after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?

That is all I’ve ever needed. Why have I been looking for anything else?

I will laugh again. I will fall in love again. But I’ll learn to be more careful. My heart is sewn together. The stitches could easily fall out.

But, they could also heal.

My new goal is laughter. What a wonderful thing to find in a person.

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